The Dress #MarkSchipul #Dad

I walked around the mall in a daze. Everywhere around me people were laughing, busy; going about their day. Children were playing and running about. I saw and heard it but felt like they were a world away. What are they laughing about? Why is everyone acting so normal while I’m slowly dying inside.

A woman caught my eye and smiled at me and all I could do was look away. The salespeople in the center aisle accosted me and I couldn’t even give my usual polite decline. I don’t have it in me. I just looked away and kept walking.

I went to the mall to find a dress. Not just any dress but THE dress. The dress I would say goodbye to my Dad forever in. I wanted to go before he died because I didn’t think I could handle it later. I don’t know what made me think I could handle it now.

It seems such a silly thing to worry about a dress in the broad scheme of things. But that is what I do and how I deal. I get caught up in the details and planning. If I sit still; if I stop; if I let myself think, it will all come crashing down around me.

My Dad loved the water. It could be a lake, an ocean or a pond. It didn’t matter. I shared that love with him. To honor and remember him that way I wanted to find something Navy or Nautical because that is my dad. I picture him on a sailboat on Lake Winnipesaukee where we grew up or at our cottage in Maine. That is how I will forever remember him.

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So you see it’s not just a dress. It’s THE dress. I didn’t find it that day. I just walked around unable to think, unable to decide. That is how grief is. Some days you are useless and the day passes by in a haze. Some days you are strong and tick the things off the list of what needs to be done. Some days you are emotional and feel the full weight of it all as the grief comes in waves and brings you to your knees. Tears flow freely and never seem to end. Other days are a combination of all of them.

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Today is Sunday; a day of rest. Maybe tomorrow I will try again to find the dress.

The IE Mommy

The IE Mommy

I am a stay at home mom of three; ages 7, 6 and 1! I love doing product reviews and finding the best things to use for my family. Reading and writing have always been my passions so this allows me to incorporate them with the things that mean the most to me!
The IE Mommy

Comments

  1. Mary Cummings says:

    I understand how you felt on your shopping trip to find the dress to wear to your Dad’s funeral. I had the vet same feelings you had. Almost felt like I was walking in slow motion in a daze. My Daddy passed about a week and a half before Christmas in 1985. After his funeral, and returning home, I still had Christmas shopping to finish. And, I was wondering the same thing about how could people be laughing and so happy while I was feeling so sad and lost. I wanted to postpone Christmas until the next year. It was the most lost I’ve ever felt in my life. I pray God’s love will encompass you and your family at this time and He will give you peace.

    • Thanks for sharing and understanding Mary. Christmas is such a hard time to lose someone! It’s my five year olds birthday in a week and I’m trying to prepare for that as well to make sure to still celebrate her. It’s such a weird thing to think of any kind of celebration. God bless!

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