I love me some Jazzercise! It’s such an amazing workout and I have fun doing it! But it never fails that there are some ladies who refuse to follow a few simple guidelines and somehow I get stuck standing by one every time! This is dedicated to all my Jazzy friends and offenders!
1. Space Invader Sandy
Sandy has no concept of personal face and she is all up in mine. Ironically I only run into Sandy when I don’t have the tolerance to stand her. It’s like a sixth sense with Sandy. She knows I had an awful morning, fought with my husband, yelled at my children, stepped in dog poop and narrowly escaped the house to get some ME time with a good workout. Sensing my need to for space, Sandy Invades. She doesn’t line up like everyone else or take an empty spot. She gets in MY spot, six inches from my face.
2. Gassy Gabby
Gabby must have stopped off at the Chinese Restaurant next door before coming to class before she has bad gas. Gabby isn’t a one time offender either. She doesn’t just let it slip once. It’s like a slow seep and just when you think it’s safe to take a deep, refreshing breath; the smell almost brings you to your knees. Since it’s not during a stretch, you look a little conspicuous hitting the deck at the wrong moment.
3. Bare Minimum Marcy
I don’t know why Marcy even shows up to class. She’s barely moving! She’s going through the motions and technically doing the steps but if she broke 100 calories I’d be surprised. Maybe she just blew out her hair and doesn’t want to get sweat in it. Maybe she has a hot date after class and doesn’t want to smell. Marcy doesn’t even look like she wants to be there. Go home Marcy. You’re taking up space.
4. Rule Breaking Ruth
Ruth breaks the rules in life so why should Jazzercise be any different? Ruth breezes in ten minutes late after parking in the Handicap space and dropping off her son with a bag of peanuts in the room clearly marked “no peanuts.” She then proceeds to break the few rules during the course of the class.
“Please make sure not to drop your weights on the new floors.” BAM!
“Remember you have to stay for the whole class to get credit for the attendance competition” as Ruth waltzes out the door five minutes before class ends.
5. Teachers Pet Tiffany
Tiffany can be spotted pretty easily because she’s always parked front and center in class. Every time the teacher asks a questions, she screams the answer. She has a permanent smile plastered on her face because you know, that’s how everyone feels when they are working out. She follows all the rules and gives 110% every time.
6. Zoned out Zoe
I must admit, this is me. Zoe goes somewhere else mentally during Jazzercise. She’s too busy punishing her body and working out her frustration to pay attention during class. Then suddenly she snaps to attention. Did she just say my name? Or was that Wendy or Staisy or another “e” sounding name? Did she ask how I’m doing or if I had great sex last night? Hmm, thumbs up is always a safe answer.
7. Singing Stephanie
They do play the latest, catchiest songs at Jazzercise. I find myself humming the tunes throughout the day and I might even bust a move when one of the songs comes on in the grocery store. But Stephanie takes this to a whole new level. Stephanie belts out every song, every time, every class, the entire time. Stephanie is never a good singer. The good singers are quiet. Stephanie is tone deaf and standing right behind you.
8. Opposite Olivia
Poor Olivia. She doesn’t know her left from her right and her front from her back. If you’re coming, she’s going. If you’re forwards, she’s backwards. Olivia has probably experienced several injuries at Jazzercise from being slapped upside the head with some Jazz hands.
9. Body Odor Brenda
Brenda stinks. Unlike Gassy Gabby who only stinks every five to ten minutes, Brenda stinks all. the. time. Hey I don’t shower before Jazzercise either. Why on earth would I do that? I’m going to get all sweaty and stink. I do however, do a courtesy pit check. I slap on another layer of deodorant before class – ALWAYS. If it’s extra bad, I do a quick baby wipe before applying. It’s common courtesy ladies. You are going to be raising your arms in the air and waving them like you just don’t care. Well we do. We care.
10. Workout Barbie
Workout Barbie looks like a doll from head to toe. Her hairband matches the laces on her shoes and her outfit is perfect but not too matchy matchy. She looks well put together always and even though she works hard, unlike Bare Minimum Marcy, she never breaks a sweat. She’s too perfect to sweat. She might glisten a little but only slightly on her forehead where it makes her wispy hair look sexy, not between her thighs and under her pits like the rest of us. Barbie has all the right moves, never has gas and never ever breaks a rule. Barbie is in no way offensive. I’m just jealous because I want to BE Workout Barbie.
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